Dear former minister,

You’re an idiot—well, actually, you’re not an idiot. You have a great deal of education. You have an almost-but-not-quite-complete M.Div. from a local seminary and your undergraduate education was in Bible. I remember, when we used to get lunch, you telling me that you didn’t complete your M.Div. because you did not do the co-curricular component of your degree. Some schools call this “the supervised practice of ministry.” It is an opportunity engage in ministry while being in dialog with a mentor about that ministry. Many seminarians find it to be a rewarding experience. But you didn’t do this. In part, if I recall correctly, you didn’t do it because you would not be able to use your own church as the context for your ministry experience; you’d have to go somewhere else. Regardless, in the end, you were willing to subject your academic abilities to your professors in the form of tests, papers, and other assignments, but you were not willing to subject your ministry to professional evaluation. How ironic that as my marriage came undone, you called your level of pastoral care for me “inadequate” and admitted to “have probably not been up to the task.”

Not up to the task. How so? I do not even know where to begin.

Perhaps I should start at the end, with the letter you had sent to my home address after I resigned from the congregation, calling my conduct “egregious” and warning me that I was throwing away my own potential for ministry simply because I was in a relationship with someone new. (Did it occur to you that my marriage to Ljubica had already quashed numerous opportunities for ministry?)

I could start with your kind gesture of taking me out to dinner less than twelve hours after I spent the whole night in the emergency room because of a major anxiety attack brought on by my ex-wife’s abusive behavior. It was so nice of you to use that opportunity to berate me for having a girlfriend. I especially appreciated your comment that you might be able to approve of me starting a relationship with someone new five years after my divorce. (I wonder what your biblical precedent for that is.)

Or maybe I’ll begin with your complete and utter inability or unwillingness to address adequately the lies Ljubica spread in the congregation. As you know, she did send an email to almost every woman in the congregation claiming that I “hurt her every day” and stating that it was “[her] decision not to stay in an abusive marriage.” (By the way, did you know that one woman in the church displayed visible fear of me when I simply walked past her?) (By the way, why is it that you blame the divorce on me?) I could mention, I suppose, your general minimization of Ljubica’s abuse. You wrote, “I’m aware that Ljubica has at various times stated her desire to not be married to you, or her regret at having married you.” You also wrote, “I don’t agree that words and actions like those necessarily, by the fact that they happen, end a marriage.” Why not? You give no explanation.

And what about Ljubica calling me “worse than a rapist” and “worse than a child molester”? What about her assertion that I raped her—on our wedding night? Do accusations such as these end a marriage? And what exactly do you make of Ljubica’s abusive behavior? As you know, it made me suicidal. So her words and actions, according to you, are not enough to end a marriage even though they were almost enough to end my life? Would it have been better for you if I had died?

You are an idiot.

Counseling—that was your advice. Do you even know that counseling is contraindicated in situations of abuse? I didn’t. I learned it on the way as I’ve tried to make sense of what happened to me. But did you know it? I suppose not, since you advised it.

You are a preacher; you can get up in front of a church a talk. But you are not much of a minister or a pastor. You did nothing to assuage the suffering of your congregant in the midst of his desolation. You condemned the innocent with the guilty. You should be ashamed.

Sincerely,

Your former congregant