In the Catholic Church, the parties to the marriage effect the marriage. The bride and groom’s consent enacts the sacrament. The words of promise spoken by the man and the woman bring about the bond of matrimony. The priest who performs the wedding is only a witness who stands alongside other to testify to what those who are becoming husband and wife are creating.

The Catholic Church also teaches that sexual cooperation open to the creation of new life is likewise an intrinsic part of any understanding of marriage. In fact, the pope reserves the right to nullify a non-consummated marriage even if the consent of the parties to the marriage is valid.

Words make a marriage: “You are my wife; I am your husband.” “You are my husband; I am your wife.” Sex makes a marriage. These are not the only ingredients, of course, and alone it is difficult to image words and sex making a successful marriage, but they are fundamental.

Words and sex make a marriage. In canon law, the fact that the right words have been spoken and the fact of sexual cooperation create the presumption that a marriage is valid. For a marriage to be declared invalid, this presumption must be overcome.

My former minister wrote:

I’m aware that Ljubica has at various times stated her desire to not be married to you, or her regret at having married you…. I have no doubt that such words cause great pain and severely undermine the foundation of a marriage , perhaps irreparably…. I don’t agree that words and actions like those necessarily, by the fact that they happen, end a marriage.

Let’s review my former spouse’s words and actions. Great detail is not needed. She said, “You are not my husband; I am not your wife.” She said it repeatedly. She said it in a myriad of ways. She said it over the span of many years. She mocked our wedding vows. She called them “a joke” and “meaningless.” She denigrated the witnesses to our wedding, calling them inadequate. She said, “I will never have sex with you again.” She said, “You raped me.” She said, “You raped me on our wedding night.” She said, “You are worse than the man who raped me in college; the only difference between you and him is that you tell me, ‘I love you,’ when you are done.” She said, “You are worse than a child molester.”

If words make a marriage, can they not unmake it? If an action makes a marriage, can an action not unmake it? Words and actions such as Ljubica’s do not “severely undermine the foundation of a marriage”; rather, they directly assault marriage itself. They are the antithesis of marriage. They undo it. They unmake it.

In Islam, if a husband says to his wife once that she is no longer his wife, his words are not effective. They accomplish nothing and he is still married. But once he says it three times, the marriage is over. His words are effective and irrevocable. There can be no reconciliation. I do not pretend to know the underlying theological rationale behind this ordinance, but I want to believe that it is this: Don’t jerk your wife around.

Human relationships need stability. Children need to know that their father is their father—not just when the fathers feel like it, but always. They need to know that their mother is their mother—not just when she wants to be a mother. And husbands and wives need to know that their spouses are their spouses all the time—not just when they feel like it.

There are many legitimate reasons for divorce: drug abuse, alcoholism, infidelity, child abuse, neglect, and abandonment are only a few. But surely the assertion of one spouse to another, “You are not my spouse,” ought to head the list. Drug abuse may “severely undermine the foundation of a marriage,” but the words, “You are not my husband,” destroy it.