So, I am becoming Catholic. The reasons for this change are many; I will not use this blog post to delve into the details. I will say this, however: one of the reasons has to do with geography and resources. The town I lived in before had 120,000 people and at least thirty-three Christian Churches. Chicago has six. Four of them are on the south side. One of them is weird. The sixth is the one I had to leave. If I still lived where I did before, I don’t think that I would be becoming Catholic right now. The help and resources I need would be readily available within my old tradition.

When I was in seminary, my professors emphasized the notion of “local” and “contextual” theology. The idea was that communities of faith had to develop and own their own understanding of faith and practice. The role of a minister was to facilitate this development. He (and in our tradition it is invariably a he) was not to impose theology “from above.”

This is just another way of saying, I suppose, that the experience of faith is local in the sense that it is particular and largely individual. To be particular, then: other peoples’ experience of Bret can be good; mine was not. They are free to stay; I was made unwelcome. In this sense, the large number of excellent ministers from within my tradition who live in Tennessee doesn’t really matter. I’m not there. They can’t help. The resources that are available through one of the flagship universities of my old tradition are inaccessible to one who lives in Chicago. For all intents and purposes, all I have is my individual experience of a local congregation and its minister from my old tradition in the place where I live now. Nostalgia for another time and place will not provide for the spiritual needs of me or my children. I must find the resources we need where we are.

I admit that so far what I have written is an answer to the question, Why not my old tradition? It is not an answer to the question, Why become Catholic? As I wrote before, I’m not going to delve into the details. This blog is primarily about my experience of domestic violence at the hands of my ex-wife. Talking about becoming Catholic here needs to tie into that purpose.

To that end, I am offering the following quotes from “When I Call for Help: A Pastoral Response to Domestic Violence against Women.” This document was released by the United States Conference of Catholic Bishops. (Note that I have altered the quotes slightly by replacing the word “women” with “intimate partners” or “partners” because the document is applicable to both male and female victims of domestic violence. I have also made some of the text bold.)

As pastors of the Catholic Church in the United States, we state as clearly and strongly as we can that violence against [intimate partners], inside or outside the home, is never justified. Violence in any form—physical, sexual, psychological, or verbal—is sinful; often, it is a crime as well.

The Catholic Church teaches that violence against another person in any form fails to treat that person as someone worthy of love. Instead, it treats the person as an object to be used. When violence occurs within a sacramental marriage, the abused spouse may question, “How do these violent acts relate to my promise to take my spouse for better or for worse?” The person being assaulted needs to know that acting to end the abuse does not violate the marriage promises.

Typically, abusive [partners] deny that the abuse is happening, or they minimize it. They often blame their abusive behavior on someone or something other than themselves. They tell their partner, “You made me do this.”

As bishops, we condemn the use of the Bible to support abusive behavior in any form. A correct reading of Scripture leads people to an understanding of the equal dignity of men and women and to relationships based on mutuality and love.

We emphasize that no person is expected to stay in an abusive marriage. Some abused [partners] believe that church teaching on the permanence of marriage requires them to stay in an abusive relationship. They may hesitate to seek a separation or divorce. They may fear that they cannot re-marry in the Church. Violence and abuse, not divorce, break up a marriage.

In dealing with people who abuse, church ministers need to hold them accountable for their behavior. They can support the abusive person as he seeks specialized counseling to change his abusive behavior. Couple counseling is not appropriate and can endanger the victim’s safety.

This document is not based on facile and thin reading of the Bible. Rather, it considers the biblical witness alongside careful consideration of domestic violence, its causes, and its consequences for its victims (and its perpetrators). It is overwhelmingly concerned with the safety, health, welfare, and well-being of victims of domestic violence. As a document, it is a credit to the Catholic bishops.

It is also a testimony against Bret and his church. At almost every point, Bret offered the opposite counsel of this document. Specifically, the church never condemned Ljubica’s actions as abusive or sinful. They never acknowledged the legitimacy of my decision to leave the marriage in order to protect myself. In the end, they appropriated Ljubica’s own minimization of the abuse and her projection of blame onto me. They used the Bible in an attempt to make me stay in the marriage, quoting passages such as “God hates divorce” (Malachi 2:16) and Jesus’s teachings on the subject. They expected me to stay in my abusive marriage. When I filed for divorce, they blamed the divorce on me, not on Ljubica’s violence and abuse. They did not hold Ljubica accountable for her behavior. Instead, they treated her like a victim. They advised me to go to couple counseling.

“When I Call for Help” is not a remarkable document. It is basically a Catholic contextualization of well known and well researched principles on how to come to the aid of victims of domestic violence. Thus to fault Bret for not acting in accordance with its principles is not to blame him for not being Catholic. Instead it is to blame him for not being human.

Again, this fact does not constitute a positive argument for becoming Catholic. It is just an explanation of why I am not staying in my old tradition.

So from within the context of my experience of domestic abuse, why am I becoming Catholic? Because the ministry that I have received from Catholics—priests, religious, laity, counselors, doctors, teachers, lawyers, psychologists, mediators, and others—has in every way reflected the document I quoted above. No one—not a single person—ever intimated that I had any obligation other than one to myself to be safe and secure in my person and free from abuse. Dozens of people found time to support me, hold my hand, pray for me, and lift me up in the midst of my desolation. Catholics kept me alive.

I will give one example. I was in a Catholic Church praying one day. A man came in. It turned out he was a Jesuit priest. I asked him if I could talk to him. He said yes. We talked about my marriage, Ljubica’s mental health issues, and her abusive behavior toward me. We spoke for an hour and a half. At the end of our conversation he prayed for me, putting his hand on my head. I don’t even remember his name. Maybe I never knew it. But he had an hour and a half for me—a random stranger whom he had never met. At a later time, I reached out to one of the elders at my old church to talk. He didn’t have time for me. He had a Cubs game to go to that day. And the next. Before I could meet with him, Bret made me persona non grata.

This is why I am becoming Catholic.